A PROCLAMATION.
WHEREAS, in and by custom and tradition, it is provided that former Presidents of a given political party shall be used for their moral authority in intraparty disputes; and
Whereas, with reference to said takeover, a convention shall be held in the City of Cleveland, Ohio, in late July, to confirm the selection of said persons; and
Whereas, the Democrats have selected a candidate whose severe misjudgment has jeopardized national security for the sake of her convenience; and
Whereas, Americans are being forced to choose between a petty authoritarian who incites racist and antisemitic sentiment for his own personal benefit, and an utterly unethical politician; and
Whereas, under current circumstances, the Republican nominee will ensure that the Democratic nominee become president, that the Democratic Party retake the United States Senate, and that the Democratic president nominate as few as one and as many as five new Supreme Court justices; and
Whereas, the delegates at Cleveland are fully sovereign in all matters related to the Republican Party and have the power to provide the American people with a more suitable option; and
Whereas, many well-meaning party officials and voters may have made a regrettable decision to support Trump before learning of his utter unsuitability and the potential for alternatives; and
Whereas, the damage ensued by attempting to override the plurality outcome of the 2016 caucuses and primaries is substantially less than the damage that the current presumptive nominee causes to the Republican Party and the United States each day that he remains in his position; and
Whereas, I derive more enjoyment from employing this rhetorical device to a degree far beyond what is appropriate:
Therefore–
I, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, President of the United States, do proclaim, declare, and make known to all persons who have, directly or by implication, supported Donald Trump, except as hereinafter excepted, that a full political pardon is hereby granted to them and each of them, with restoration of their previous position in the Republican Party, upon the condition that every such person shall vocally support the delegates at Cleveland asserting their authority to reject Trump and replace him with any other suitable person, and that all persons take and subscribe an oath, and thenceforward keep and maintain said oath inviolate; and which oath shall be registered for permanent preservation, and shall be of the tenor and effect following, to wit:–
“I, , do solemnly swear, in presence of Almighty God, that I will henceforth faithfully support, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States; and that I will, in like manner, work to defend her from know-nothing celebrities and petty authoritarians. So help me God.”
The persons excepted from the benefits of the foregoing provisions are Chris Christie, Joe Scarborough, Sean Hannity, and Newt Gingrich.
To avoid misunderstanding, this proclamation and offer of amnesty shall expire on the twenty-second day of July, A.D., two thousand and sixteen, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred fortieth, or the minute that Trump accepts the nomination of the Republican Party as its presidential candidate, whichever comes first.
Given under my hand at the city of Washington the fifth day of July, A.D. two thousand and sixteen, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred fortieth.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
Adapted from Lincoln's Proclamation of Amnesty and Reconstruction, 1863. For more on Lincoln, check out my podcast. Inspired by the following tweet:
I think we should start discussing an amnesty for all those who supported Trump up to this point. If they agree to help #DumpTrump now.— Holden (@Holden114) June 30, 2016
